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Stacey thanks the author that got her thinking

Tuesday, October 26th, 2010

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With only 19 more entries left on this blog, I spent the evening thinking of the things for which I’m REALLY grateful. I figured nineteen…in honor of the countdown:

1. Ollie: This kid is truly the light of my life. Every day I look at him and am amazed I could raise a little being so freaking funny and smart (and undeniably adorable, even if I am his mother and I have to think he’s cute!)

2. My Soon-To-Be-Baby: Luckily Grey and I got prego easily and I’ve had a cakey 9 months of being with child. Fitting this little turkey is going to pop out so close to Thanksgiving.

3. Grey: The thought of marriage used to make me feel like I was being buried alive. It amazes me that I somehow got lucky enough to find a man I adore (and coerce him into marrying me). Plus, after knowing him for nine years, I still find him as hot and sexy as I did when we were drunkenly dancing to Neil Diamond the first night we met. I didn’t even know that was possible.

4. My Parents: Jack and Deb must be the most supportive people on the planet. There’s not many human beings who would continue to love me even if I suddenly turned into a serial killer, but my parents are those people. Plus they’ve put up with my bitchy and ungrateful attitude since day one, so that’s pretty nice.

5. My Little Bro: Despite the fact I used to lock him in the dog cage when he was a small child, we have always been extremely close. He’s the person closest in genetic makeup to me and we share the same exact sense of humor. I’d give him a kidney if he ever needed it and I’m sure if one day he ever gets really really wealthy, he’ll bankroll me. And vice versa.

6. My In-Laws: The fact that I lucked into a family as loving and generous as the Pfarrs makes me wonder if I accidentally sold my second born child to the gypsies. What did I do to deserve such a great other set of parents and sibs?

7. My Erie Girlfriends: Some of my closest, bestest BFFS are from Erie. These are girls I’ve know for more of my life than not and who have seen me through my awkward stages of teenage acne and wearing of high waisted tapered jeans. Again, more people that would love me even if I suddenly turned into Hannibal Lector.

8. My Non-Erie Friends: Despite growing up in the bubble of Erie, PA I managed to make friends like a fully functioning adult and wind up knowing some truly hilarious and gifted people from places other than Western Pennsylvania. Every day I consider myself blessed to know friendly folks that share a common appreciation for filthy jokes involving the word “penis.”

9. My Health: I take for granted that have all my teeth, my limbs, and generally good genes. Thankfully, I’ve never suffered from any scary diseases like elephantiasis or leprosy.

10. Makeup: I often think that if I was born in Puritan times, I would have been a creepy old maid. Without my mask of liquid foundation and eyeliner, I’d most likely have been shipped off to the convent at age ten or forced to marry an elderly man with one testicle so I could raise farm pigs. Scary.

11. My Education: This list is no order — it’s just a coincidence that makeup comes before education…The fact that I can read and write and work a computer and do basic math and sometimes guess the final question on Jeopardy makes me feel extremely privileged.

12. My Status as a Middle Class American: Sure, it’d be nice to actually have one of those 401Ks every keeps talking about, but any financial issues I have are still the stuff of a gal living in a first world country. I don’t have to worry about fetching clean drinking water or how I’m going to keep my baby warm.

13. The Internet: What did people do before they could Google things like, “Best Pumpkin Cheesecake recipe” or “Rehoboth Beach to Annapolis directions?” Talk about a huge convenience. I use it daily and it’s become as much of a modern convenience to me as a flushing toilet. Maybe more so.

14. Modern Technology: In addition to computers, how great is it to have a car to drive places and an oven to cook with? I can’t imagine having to smoke salted pork for the winter or rub to sticks together for fire. Yeah, I think the world’s gotten a bit too complicated for its own good, but, I do appreciate the good things that come with that fact.

15. Razor Blades and Hot Wax: I’m afraid I’d be considered some sort of wolf-boy-woman if not for my trusty Gillette and facial waxing services at the local salon.

16. Good Luck: Somehow luck or Jesus or a Higher Power or magic seems to be with me. I’ve pretty much gotten what I’ve wanted in life (Well, except an invitation to prom from Jamie Peitras, that job at The Gap I wanted so badly, and being shafted at the school play try-outs in 9th grade). All my unreached goals or former dreams seem to have worked out for the best now anyway.

17. My ADD: I think in being unable to focus on certain things has made it easy for me to not concern myself with stressy situations. It’d be nice to finally complete a project, but the fact that I can totally disassociate myself from pressing problems makes life pretty darn carefree.

18. Semi-Stability in the World: As I write this, no asteroids or nuclear bombs are set to destroy the human race…it’s nice being able to count on the sun rising tomorrow morning at 6:31.

19. The Small Stuff: All the little things (and big ones) that I’ve forgotten to mention here because it’s 11:50pm and I’m exhausted!

Writing this post felt uncannily like my 11th grade Ethics Class paper, "Testimony to My Uniqueness" (Sorry for the length...)

I also am really grateful for pretty stuff like this sunset... Writing this post felt uncannily like my 11th grade Ethics Class paper, "Testimony to My Uniqueness" (Sorry for the length!)

Tags: ADD works for me, Ethics class, facial wax, good luck, Gratitude blog, if I were a Pilgrim I'd have been a nerd, makeup has changed my life, manifesting good luck, Middle Class American, Naked Thanks, positive thinking, Razor blades and hot wax, Rhonda Byrne, thank god for makeup, Thanksgiving, The Secret, Things for which I am most thankful, THings I've Grateful For, What are you thankful for?, What did people do before the Internet?, world peace
Posted in Serious | 2 Comments »

Stacey thanks her friend for a stockpile of elastic waistband clothing

Saturday, March 27th, 2010

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Even at six weeks pregnant, I am already concerned I may split my pants at any moment. All of a sudden, my regular clothes are looking as if they are painted on. I’m afraid that one wrong move picking Ollie up at the playground or tying my shoe may cause a “riiiiiiip!” that sets my ass on display for the world.

However, luckily, just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I have to invest hundreds of dollars in mu-mus and elastic waistband pants to fit my growing booty and belly. My friend Ingrid, who just had a baby in October, was nice enough to bequeath me with tons of maternity clothes so come Thanksgiving when the baby is due and I’m the size of the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria — at least I’ll still be wearing cute outfits.

With three babies currently under our collective belts, Ingrid and I have amassed an incredible amount of maternity clothes. We combined both our collections for one enormous stockpile of mother-to-be wear. There’s maternity swimsuits, sun dresses, formal wear, and business suits to make large bellied women all over the world drool. Now the boxes just keep getting passed back and forth as if we’re playing a game of knocked-up hot potato. This time, I’m it.

Tags: Destination Maternity, maternity clothes, Motherhood Maternity, mu-mus, Nina Pinta Santa Maria, Pea in the Pod, pregnancy, Thanksgiving
Posted in Friends, knocked up | 1 Comment »

Karin thanks giant Christmas tree growers

Monday, November 30th, 2009

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I happen to have an unhealthy obsession with Christmas. Scented candles, trees the size of redwoods, the Harry Connick Jr. Christmas album, you name the annoying red and green thing and I just love it. So naturally I am the type of gal who buys her Christmas tree right after Thanksgiving.

On Saturday, while hopping around Homestead Farm in Poolesville, Maryland, I chose a Christmas tree so large that it took about an hour to saw it down (pre-cut is for pansies!). It was also too wide for the netting machines and had to be tied to the roof of the car by farm hands/Noble prize-winning mechanical engineers. Yes, there were slightly more anorexic looking trees that could have been mine, but I had to choose the one and only obese ball of pine. The portliest most unwieldy tree of all. I think there is still a bird living in it and maybe a few refugee children, but it is now dwelling happily in my living room where unimportant things like the couch used to fit.

Not the tallest tree in the world, but most definitely the fattest. It's shape really reminds me of this girl I went to college with who I kindly called "Meg the Keg."

I basically had to break my door frame to get my round tree in the door. Next year I'll just throw tinsel on a bonsai tree.

Tags: Christmas, Christmas tree, fat, Homestead Farm, Thanksgiving
Posted in Holiday | 1 Comment »

Karin thanks the queen of Thanksgiving dinner

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

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I happen to love Martha Stewart. Adore. Believe her to be one of the greatest minds our nation has to offer. This is interesting because I am embarrassingly challenged when it comes to domestic greatness. I put cheese in my toaster. I used to keep sweaters in the oven. I will wear a bikini instead of underwear to avoid doing the wash. But still, I keep hope alive. I want to be one of those people who takes three cotton balls and a stalk of celery and creates 500 wedding favors for the most discerning guests. I want to make a Thanksgiving turkey that looks happier dead than alive and whip up potatoes so flawless guests wonder if they might be made of rubber.

And it’s not just me that hopes to live like Martha on this day of thanks. My own father has been watching her instructional Thanksgiving dinner video until his eyeballs bleed. He keeps insisting that he is going to “roll” the turkey this year, as that’s what Martha does and Martha’s turkey is never dry. Has the man ever broken bread with Martha? How does he know this?

One day I will be the kind of girl who hangs handcrafted pumpkins and pilgrims around her house and does not put dairy products in the toaster. I thank Martha for believing I can realize this dream and for bringing my family and friends together on Thanksgiving Day in our quest to create a more magazine-friendly meal.

I look nothing like this when I cook. I'm usually holding a fire extinguisher and crying. But one day, one day!

I look nothing like this when I cook. I'm usually holding a fire extinguisher and crying. But one day, one day!

Tags: Martha Stewart, Thanksgiving
Posted in Family, Food | No Comments »

Stacey thanks the BIG GUY

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

Dear God0001

On this high holy day of thank-yous, I figured you can’t thank someone more important than God. Yeah, I mean, thanks to the pilgrims and Indians for the whole Thanksgiving thing, but this year, even though I’m not what you’d call a religious person, I wanted to thank God because despite some really awful things happening, we have a healthy little baby and the love of our family and friends. All joking aside, we are very lucky.

The last time I sent a direct message to God was before my friend’s wedding this summer when the priest invited the wedding party to go to confession. I went, but it was annoying because instead of just letting us confess our sins the usual way, like, kind of in a stream of consciousness, the priest asked us pointed questions. This was frustrating because I really had specific things I wanted to get off my chest.

This is how it went:

“Have you lied?” Yes, of course.
“Have you had impure thoughts?” Oh yeah.
“Have you stolen?” Yes, if wireless counts.
“Have you gone to church?” Oh hell no.
“Have you had premarital sex?” This one confused me because I wasn’t sure if he meant now or when I was a teenager. I said no because any sex I have is marital and I figured there is a statute of limitations on anything bad I did over five years ago. He gave me a look like, “Sure, lady.”
And then the kicker:
“Have you masturbated?” Uh, seriously? An old guy asking this? Ew.

So instead of being happy I got all my sins off my chest, I just kept thinking how perverted the priest was. (I asked the other bridesmaids and he blindsided everyone with that little doozy by the way, so at least his creepiness wasn’t just reserved for me).

Tags: cornucopias, God, jerking off, priests, Thanksgiving, turkey
Posted in Ew, Holiday, Just Plain Wrong | No Comments »

Stacey thanks Erie store selling assless pants

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

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This week I’m in Erie with my family to celebrate Thanksgiving. Whenever I’m home there are four things I do, never fail. They are:

eat a ridiculous amount of Wegman’s leek spread (for some reason my mom has an endless supply in her fridge and I’m drawn to it like moth to a flame)
go to lunch or dinner (usually both) at the Yacht Club and order French onion soup, a Reuben sandwich, and a Yuengling
buy five loaves of Art’s pepperoni bread with the intention of taking it home to freeze but instead, eating it all in 24 hours and swelling up like the Goodyear Blimp
go to “Gabe’s” to scour the aisles for random deals on even more random crap

This afternoon, with my grandparents and baby in tow, I opted for Erie tradition #4, the only one not revolving around food. I swear, Gabe’s is like the Mary Poppins’ bag of discount stores — you seriously never know what you’ll be able to pull outta there. The fact that my 90-year-old Nana and Popop, my one-year-old son, and I all left with new treasures today for under five dollars total: Wow.

Now someone’s just got to tell poor Popop his new coat looks like it belongs to a member of Nuestra Familia…

Tags: assless pants, Erie PA, Gabe's, Mint Milanos, MS-13, Neil Diamond, Thanksgiving
Posted in Shopping, Travel | 2 Comments »