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Stacey thanks her best friend for being Mother Earth’s body guard

Monday, March 15th, 2010

Yesterday, as Grey and I were driving, we saw some guy pitch out an entire McDonald’s bag out the window. It was disgusting. Not only because the driver was a huge heifer who clearly didn’t need that milkshake and burger, but he also acted like there was nothing wrong with littering.

Watching this, all of a sudden I had deja vu. Back when I lived in Philadelphia after college, Grey and my best friend Julie were in visiting (along with a bunch of other USNA alum) for the Army/Navy football game. Everything was going well until after the game when we were out in a semi-shady part of Philly having a few cocktails. All of a sudden our little group witnessed a big SUV of even bigger women drive by, roll down the windows, and toss out a jumbo bag of McDonald’s trash out into the middle of the street. Julie, who has never been one to shy away from confrontation (she once told our camp counselor to “EAT A DICK!” in 3rd grade), decided to take care of business.

“LITTERBUGS!!!! LITTERBUGS!!!! Ummmmm, I think you ladies dropped this!” Julie screamed defiantly as she ran into the street, picked up the McDonald’s bag, and chucked it on the roof of their car. Within three seconds the super-sized women hopped out of their vehicle and closed in on Julie as if she were a forgotten 6-pack of chicken nuggets. Meanwhile, Grey and one of his Navy friends ran over and tried to intervene to protect Julie. (However, I clearly remember Grey looking like an ant next to one of the 300+ pound women as he said, “Hey, hey, calm down…” It was like he was talking to Godzilla.)

But these enormous litterbugs were deceptively fast on their feet. Before you could say, “Big Mac Attack” — one woman sucker punched Julie in the face and then the other two started beating her with their fists. It truly happened so quickly that none of us had a chance do anything before they were back in their SUV and poor Julie was sitting on the curb with a face that looked like a mangled quarter pounder. Luckily, she took it in stride and proudly wore her fat lip and two black eyes as a reminder to what a brave anti-litterbug champion she was. Take that, litterbugs!