The other day at one of our many recent trips to Home Depot, Grey and I encountered a pushy-as-hell elderly couple. In fact, the senior duo tried to barrel me over while I was standing in line holding Ollie. But if there’s one thing everyone should know, it’s don’t fuck with a pregnant lady — especially in 100 degree weather. Since I thought these folks were trying to cut me in line, I wasn’t going to take any geriatric bullying. So when the woman said to me in a snotty voice, “Move. I want to get by” I simply replied, “You may be old, but I’m pregnant and holding a large baby. No.” Then I stood my ground. I thought I really showed her.
But then a few seconds later, Grey and I saw the couple scoot around a closed off check out lane and waltz out of the store without having paid. It then donned on me why they were in such a hurry: they were old people shoplifters!!! Unfortunately, by the time we realized what this ancient twosome was doing, it was too late and the senior bandits had made off with a booty of home improvement supplies. This really disappointed me because if there’s one thing I love to do, it’s tattle. I would have loved to bust that couple in the act of their thievery and maybe even take out the old lady’s knee caps with a billy club. Sometimes, I feel like I missed my calling as a police officer.
So when I got home I started researching Citizen’s Arrest (a concept that absolutely fascinates me, by the way), and was surprised to realize that in the state of Delaware, you can actually do this. Plus, they have this special tip line to report crimes where you can collect cash rewards for valid tattletaling. Of course I immediately programmed the number into my phone and I can’t wait to call. Watch out criminals!