So now that I pretty much look like I have a beach ball under my shirt, I’ve really started to notice people coming out of the woodwork offering me their thoughts on pregnancy, nursing, and the stretching of one’s vagina. In the past 48 hours, I’ve had a myriad of people approach me with their strange comments and advice — all unwanted — of course.
For instance, a woman at the post office asked me if I was planning to nurse. When I told her yes, she conspiratorially said to me that I should rub my nipples in breast milk to avoid chafing. Jesus. What the hell do you say to that? “Gee, thanks! I can’t wait to douse my boobs in my own lactation! Can you pass the stamps?”
Then I had a woman come up to me in the grocery store the other day and ask when I was due. When I told her the c-section was scheduled for November 16th, she replied, “Oh good for you! You know, between you and me, my vagina has never been the same since I delivered naturally. I still leak pee every once in a while.” TMI, lady! That wasn’t the mental image I wanted while loading my shopping cart with cartons of lemonade!
I’ve come to realize the whole stretching of one’s vagina is something that people are apparently dying to talk about with perfect strangers because why else would all these random people broach the subject with me? It’s like I have: “Talk to me about your giant hoo-ha: I want to listen” tattooed on my forehead. It’s just sick.
Other topics I’ve been hit with while filling my gas tank or getting a pedicure include: Unwanted facial hair during pregnancy (from a woman I swear had the worst five-o’clock shadow I’ve seen in a while), the benefits of kegel exercises (this one is actually a personal favorite coming from my former company’s head tech guy), and the prospect of drying my placenta to make jerky (I kid you not, while standing in line at the butcher).
People always say they have issues with people trying to touch their belly when pregnant. At this point, I’d welcome a belly rub if it meant I didn’t have to listen to some stranger tell me they craved their own poop while pregnant or something equally disturbing!
Somehow, I don't think this book prepares women for the insane-as-hell comments people on the street will offer up to them.
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