Julie, a musical comedian in LA, is my oldest friend; I’ve known her since birth. We were born 13 days apart but our friendship actually goes back generations (hey, that’s Erie, PA for ya, folks!) My grandfather knew her grandma, then our dads were buddies, and I guess we started up when our moms were pregnant at the same time.
We went to the same pre-school, grade school, and high school. We got all the same jobs (shared a paper route, served cones at DQ, taught sailing at our Yacht Club). Fitting that she was the one who introduced me to my husband; Grey was a classmate of hers at the Naval Academy and I’ll never forget her telling me she had found me “the one!” Even after graduation, we lived two streets apart in San Diego, she was the maid of honor in my wedding, and we continue to sign most emails YBFF (your best friend forever).
For all our similarities and shared history, I think the tie that binds us is something deeper; a sense of warped humor – or even mental disturbance. I think the following scenario truly captures the essence of our friendship:
Julie is a girl with whom I once devised a scheme to trick the other kids at summer camp into thinking we ate real human feces off of a port-o-potty seat. Why we thought this was a good idea, I’ll never know. We had the plan drawn out to a tee: We’d prepare a batch of raw brownie mix in Zip-lock bags to transfer to camp. Then, during lunch, when most kids clustered around the port-o-potties shooting the shit (no pun intended), we’d sneak the brownie mix onto the toilet seat and shock our friends when we stuck our hands in the fake crap. We planned to then lick our fingers and say, “Mmmmm…Poop tastes good!” (This is a quote I will never forget; I still sign her Christmas card with this phrase). Anyhoo, this sounded like the plot of the century to our 10-year-old selves, but my dad caught wind of the strategy, and foiled it when he reminded us that the other kids would probably never believe we were actually joking and would go on believing forever that we really ate human shit off a toilet seat at summer camp. Complete and utter social ostracism was avoided.
Yes, I’m thankful to call this person my best friend.
Here’s a little song Julie wrote to honor this special calendar day: The Night Before Thanksgiving Song. Check it out — hilarious!
In our days of San Diego livin' (and when Britney was married to K-Fed)
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Tags: best friend, comedian, Dairy Queen, fake poop, Ouija board, paper route