The Internet has become a dangerous, dangerous place for me these days. Now that the closest Whole Foods or Nordstrom is an hour and a half away from my house, I find that I’m ordering way more stuff from the web. Backsplash tile, lip gloss, a weed wacker, Ollie’s Halloween costume, bars for our windows (another post entirely) — we seem to be buying a lot more online just because there’s not a local Target or Trader Joe’s nearby.
Though they seem to materialize by magic on my doorstep, I know there’s actually a man behind the appearance of these daily presents: my friendly neighborhood UPS guy. At the rate we’re going, I’m sure by Thanksgiving I’ll be setting a place for him at my table. Or could he be a potential godparent? I see him so frequently, he already seems like a part of the family. No joke, I heard Ollie call him, “Papa” the other day.
The last time Grey or I had such a close relationship with our package delivery man was when he lived in Newport, RI and I lived in Philadelphia. We we just started dating and due to the fact that it was long distance and because I stole an insane amount of free postage from my advertising sales job, I sent Grey packages on a daily basis. Sometimes he’d just receive a big box with a scrap of paper inside saying, “Hi.” Other times, I’d send him 100 pounds of homemade cookies priority overnight. The price of shipping never deterred me because I billed it to my company, so $75 bucks to have a greeting card arrive by 9am the next morning didn’t seem extravagant. They paid me peanuts (literally, sometimes they’d try to offer me jars of nuts instead of a paycheck), so I figured what they didn’t include in my salary, I’d take in the form of free Fed Ex.
The only problem was that I couldn’t let anyone know it was me sending the mail, so I sent my daily packages in code. I’d address then to “Captain Sexy,” “Lieutenant Luscious,” or “Big Fella” from aliases like “Screw You ClearChannel” or “Pay Me More, Bitch.” It was perfect: I remained anonymous and fully employed while Grey’s Rhode Island Fed Ex man got a kick out of delivering multiple boxes per day to the local “Love God.” It was a beautiful relationship!
Tags: bad shopping, Big Fella, Captain Sexy, Halloween costumes, hot UPS guy, lifeline to the outside world, long distance love, man in brown, Newport RI, overnight shipping, Philadelphia after college, Sephora, shopping online late at night, stealing postage from work, Tanaka weedwacker, the closest Nordstrom to me is an hour away, UPS man