Stacey thanks the magic pit tonic

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Pitting out is something I never have to worry about. I mean, the rest of my body will sweat if it’s hot (swamp ass and pregnancy seem to go together hand-in-hand), but I chalk up my dry-as-a-desert armpits to using Certain Dri deodorant back my senior year of high school.

I was on the Mercyhurst Crew team, which was basically just an excuse to go on loosely chaperoned co-ed overnight trips every weekend. Of course, my two good friends Julie and Ingrid were on the team and we’d always room together. Instead of carb-loading and getting a good night sleep before the crew regattas, we’d always stay up until all hours of the night painting our nails, trying out new beauty products, and jumping out the windows of first floor motel rooms to go visit boys.

On one such trip, I remember Julie brought a new “magic” deodorant for us to test out — Certain Dri. We were concerned about our armpit sweat making us look unattractive so the three of us decided to use this new “clinicial strength” pit tonic to see if it would solve our problems. Minutes after application our underarms burned as though we had rubbed acid all over them (which in fact, is probably the main ingredient of Certain Dri). But after a night of writhing in pain on our beds from armpits afire, VOILA! The next day we were all as sweat-free as Eskimos.

Oddly, I used Certain Dri a few more times in college and I honestly think I permanently sealed the pores of my armpits shut from sweat. Of course if it’s 100 degrees and I’m running five miles, I’ll notice I’m a little sweaty, but nothing close to what it should be. Natural? Probably not. Healthy? Um, doubtful. Convenient: very.