Craig is from a Midwestern town with five streets, no traffic lights, roughly 400 people, and a prize-winning county fair. He grew up with football, fresh air, and good values, which is probably why he is wonderful and will even say yes to skirting the law and trying to get biblical on the Mall.
Despite his willingness to drop trou inches from the Lincoln Memorial, he is the most moral and well-intentioned person I have ever known. This makes me feel Satanic in comparison, but everyone needs a Ying to their Yang. The same night we tried to have multiple orgasms on the National Mall, he taught me a dance move called “the pretzel,” which he can do alarmingly well. If you are from a town with a stop sign and your neighbors didn’t have hogs named Porky McGee, you are probably unfamiliar with it.
Craig likes flavored seltzer water and keeping things shipshape. He has a nose so small I question his ability to take in enough oxygen, the body mass index of a racehorse, and kindly reminds me that life doesn’t have to be so complicated. Oh and when he lost his virginity, he had a mullet. I’m still trying to come to terms with that one.
I decided it would be wrong to have sex like monkeys close to sacred monuments like the Vietnam Wall or the Lincoln Memorial. How kind of me! So instead we attempted to get biblical on a fully exposed park bench coveted by curious tourists with an abundance of cameras. We tried, we failed, we will try again.
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Tags: Craig, National Mall, Nebraska, public sex, Satanic
Some may say, “Nebraska…where the men are men, and the sheep are nervous,” but it’s simply not the case (that I know of anyway). It’s true, I may know how to change heads on a Combine (that’s a tractor), know the gestation period of a gilt (that’s a female pig), and be able to corral a young steer with just my voice (that’s a cow), but unfortunately those skills aren’t very marketable here in our nation’s capital. So, although I no longer need to lug hay bails in the hot Nebraska sun for a little extra pocket change, this city will never rid me of that Midwest virtue of finishing what I’ve started. So if we are ever taking a stroll up and down the National mall and a fit of passion overcomes you, please let me know. We can’t let the National Mall win.
You’re awesomeness is unsurpassed. And the Nebraskan is right up there with you.